I Wander With No Hope
by ElvishPrincessOfMiddleEarth
Summary: A retelling of Arwen's feelings upon Aragorn's death, and how she comes to die herself. Sad.


**Hello, this is a rather sad retelling of how I think Arwen died, and how she felt at Aragorn's death.**

**Sorry if I have repeated a load of words and misspelt things.**

**Please review and tell me what you think. Constructive criticism welcome.**

**Also the elvish I used means:**

**Mamil – 'Mummy/Mom'**

**Av-'osto – 'Do not be afraid'**

**Gi melin – 'I love you'**

**(I hope it is reasonably correct with middle earth history, but it probably isn't, I didn't spend that much time researching everything accurately.)**

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It was always an underlying dread in my heart. In those youthful years we spent together I knew it would happen, but it seemed like a never-ending eternity of love, that couldn't end. I suppose I never realised the intensity of the terrible pain it would bring, because I couldn't imagine myself alone like this. I knew what my choice would bring when I made it, but all the years of joyful elation it seemed like a distant consequence of love, that wouldn't, _couldn't _become a reality. My heart can't accept it. My mind rings with his shadow, a lingering desolate memory of him.

When we chose to live our lives in unison, binding love in marriage, everyone knew what would happen eventually. I gave everything to him, and he did to me, but all flowers fade, petals drifting to rest in the earth. I sacrificed immortality, a way I could live forever, but now I know I must pass on, as did he. He was always going to die, and I always knew that I would follow him. I had decided my fate, I knew how it would end if I were to love him truly.

But in the present of the past, I was too ignorant to realise the immense sadness our ended love would drown me in. But my love for him has not ended, even in death. This final act of devotion and of heartbreak will stop my suffering.

Each breath I take feels empty and slow. My heart longs for him. I spend days silent and staring into an abyss I can't escape. I suppose people believe that maybe there is hope for me, maybe I could escape grief and forget, but I know that I can never let go. This is the only way it was ever going to end. I can't carry on with his absence. My heart is ripped into two pieces, bleeding inside my soul, a wound that can never possibly be healed. A gouge in my soul, ripped by the claws of death. His death.

I smiled my last smile when he was shining, and once he had faded I cried my last tears. I have no more to cry, I have no more strength to weep or mourn. By his rested body I sat, and I discovered the depths of my heart. The depths of sadness. It was if I couldn't live anymore, everywhere I looked I saw him. Stood beside me, or as a lone figure on a distant horizon. I held his limp hand and willed with all my heart that he could hold me in his arms again, one last time. I remember the warmth of him in life, radiating and warming my soul. I was so happy. And I still cannot believe that he is dead. My mind tells me the truth, but my heart will never accept it.

At the shores of the open ocean, gentle waves lap at the golden sand. It stretches out for miles and I know what lies on the other side. But I can't see it, and never will. There lie the grey havens, the land of the ever living, a place of peace and stillness. I could be there, with my kin, but I would never of left this place. I am bound here; I made my choice, with no second chance. Some part of me wishes to be there, in a perfect reality but it would be a worse life. If I had set foot on that boat and sailed there, leaving this world behind, it would've broken me. My physical dimension would exist in that land forever, but my heart would've stayed here with my love and never have left.

It would have been a life of guilt, and regret, and unforgivable remorse. Now as I look at it, I made the best decision. My heart was with him. We were bound together. There was always going to be an end to our happiness, there was never a prevention of anguish.

I remember when he told me he had reached the end. His words still ring inside my ears. "...now the time of payment draws near" He said, and I could not breathe, for his time had truly come.

He went to the House of the Kings in the Silent Street, and they laid him down on the long bed that had been prepared for him, as his final resting place. I could not bear to see his strength taken; he was fragile as the thin layer of ice stretching across the waters.

Our Son, Eldarion, met us there, and I sat alone as he said farewell to his Father. Then Eldarion was given the glittering winged crown of Gondor and the sceptre of Arnor by his father, _my dying love_, to finalise Aragorn's end and Eldarion's beginning as King. All things end, and it was time for Eldarion to move on, he left the room leaving me with Aragorn, my hopes dying as did he.

He was bathed in a golden light as he died. Just him, the rest of the room was in shadow. I sat next to him in darkness, crying gently, our hands interlocked. It was just he and I at the end. Our children, friends and courtiers had said goodbye already. Then there was silence. We talked gently, but I couldn't control my emotion. We wept together.

"Behold, we are not bound to the circles of the world, and beyond them is more than memory. Farewell!" Said he.

I loved him dearly, he took death bravely. I was far more frightened than him, the prospect of the afterlife was not daunting to his strong spirit, but I was terrified of life without him. My soul was screaming inside me, 'No do not let us be parted!', but no magic can give the mortal immortality.

"Estel, Estel!" I cried to him, and as he took my quaking hand kissing it tenderly, he fell into a deep sleep which I could not awaken him from. ...

His last breath was as silent as death itself, and as soon as it was over I knew he had passed on. I can't describe what it felt like, just how terrible it was. All my fears become true. I knew I couldn't go on. Realisation of what to come had commenced, the slow deterioration of my soul and heart.

Everything was grey. No one could comfort me in any way. I found no happiness in anything, not even my dearest kin, without Aragorn I was lost, banished in my own grief to wander to the ends of the earth, trying to find him.

And so, I sank inside myself, hoping to find some comfort in my own solitude but there was none. I seldom ever talked, and I never smiled again, I became the shadow of my own shadow. Everyone mourned, but no other soul in death or life could've ever felt such grief upon his demise as I did.

I went forth from the House of the Kings, leaving his buried body inside its cold, dark tomb to become but a loved memory of his greatness. All the light and happiness that I had once held flowed from me; I was left like a drowned flame, barely alive. I knew what would follow; I had known it from the beginning of our love. I would end with him; it was my sacrifice for love.

For a mother to depart from a child is something unbearable; the bond between a parent and their children is nearly unbreakable, a driven, instinctive love. But I left them, for my own sadness. And how terrible it was, to see their faces so forlorn as I bayed them farewell; with their father's death they lost their mother too.

But they were grown, and had their own lives, with no need for my care anymore. No longer were they children, the bright laughing joy I had once known. I still loved them, but they did not need me. No one _needed _me. I had no purpose.

Eldarion embraced me first, tears in his eyes. My daughters next, whispering hushed words of comfort, trying to persuade me to stay, but everyone knew that I would leave.

"Please mamil, be contented here, with us. Do not part so soon." They pleaded, and failed. How could I live life with such emptiness? They said their last goodbyes, and watched me leaving, _abandoning_ them, my own children. But it was not like that. No, they understood my actions.

I left the city of minas tirith, wandering from the gates with no direction. It was my fate, I had no destination but this would be the journey to find my resting place; to make peace with my broken heart.

I turned away, and did not look back for it would cause too much pain for my already burning soul. I left my memories behind. I walked over desolate plains. I passed woods and forest where whispering trees grew, and singing birds. But I found no joy in nature, nor in anything anymore. It provided nothing but sad peace.

Mountain fog swirled round my feet, and over snow I floated, like a ghost. In my flowing cloak, looking so distraught in silence any human passing me, would've mistaken me for all but a ghostly spirit. I linger on in darkness and doubt, the night sky is without stars. Stars that did glitter, but no more.

My mind drifts, I cannot focus, my journey led me here, to where I stand now. Beneath the trees of in the land of Lorien, I dwell here alone under the fading oak and sycamore. Leaves turning from green to gold. There is crisp frost underfoot, like a shimmering layer of silver. It melts away, the shine of it lost. I feel nothing but overwhelming empty sadness, and silent peace. Not happy peace, nor contented peace, but a grey misted peace. He brought me love, and happiness, but he never brought me sadness. I brought this upon myself.

I have tried to forget him. I have scattered his memory to the ends of the earth. He is buried. But he keeps appearing infront of me, and I cannot lose him. It is because I do not want to. My heart quakes, but I am not afraid. It is like I am dead already. Maybe I will meet him there, after the circles of this world. I tell myself again, I am not afraid.

A lone bird sings an eerie ballad,

Leaves scattered at my feet,

Dappled light dancing,

Dancing through the canopy,

But it does not light me,

For I am a shadow,

I have wasted away with a broken heart,

A crying broken heart,

And it will be my end,

I know it will,

Death,

It is my only escape.

My feet take me through the trees, wandering with no aim or path. Meandering like a gentle springtime stream, clear and blue. The trees are whispering and I can hear their thoughts as they watch me and feel my cold presence.

" Tragedy," They whisper. "What a tragic love."

"We will take care of your body little one, we shall not forget your memory," I hear them creak and groan.

I do not pause to touch their trunks and branches in thanks for their words. I carry on walking past, like it will never end; I do not know where I am headed. It is a slow walk, and I drift like a hazy fog. Then I come upon the place, and my heart feels drawn to rest here, among the flowers. It is cold, I grow colder. This is Cerin Amroth, and it is here where I end.

I release the clasp of my cloak and let it fall from my shoulders, like a waterfall, till it reaches the ground. I am edging closer to it now, floating forwards, to my grave. And then I am upon this ground I stand on now. It is soft beneath my feet; I sink to my knees and lie there. The world stops, I hear no sound but my own breath and heartbeat, thumping, gradually slowing.

The trees are tall,

The wind is sharp,

The ground is bare,

The sun is fading,

Birds silenced,

Beasts are still,

Life has paused,

For this moment,

To watch my sacrifice,

And I breathe out, and in; the rhythm of it sending me calm, but I feel so helpless and small and alone. Darkness drenches me. But my eyes are open again, is that the voice of my child? He calls to me, but I cannot see his bright smile.

"Oh, Mamil? Will you play with me?" My child's voice rings out. But no, this is but an illusion, a memory, a moment of my motherhood, a past life.

I sink back into the ground, and my body collapses beneath the weight of grief. It is all that I feel. Grief. Hear me please, I am not throwing away my life as if it were worthless. Understand this, I cannot live like this, it would be an unhappy life. I cannot live without my love.

It is coming, death approaches swift. My eyes shut. Memories flickering.

I hear his voice, Aragorn's voice, oh his name makes me quiver. He says it slowly, gently, in that deep tone I know so well, soothing my heart. "Arwen, Av-'osto. Gi melin."

But then I remember his cold body, lying in stillness. I feel tears at my cheeks. Running down my face in silvery streaks and soaking into the earth.

I am all but a wandering shadow,

I have wasted away with a broken heart,

I cannot carry on living,

For he is gone,

Death,

It is my only escape,

But our love,

It was worth all my sadness,

Worth every tear,

It was worth the world to me,

It did not bring death,

It brought life and new beginnings,

But now my time has come,

I made my choice,

I cannot carry on living,

For he is gone,

Death,

It is my only escape,

I am asleep; I shall never wake to see this world again.

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"**She laid herself to rest upon Cerin Amroth; and there is her green grave, until the world is changed, and all the days of her life are utterly forgotten."** – Tolkien, Appendix A, The Return of The King.

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Did you like it? PLEASE REVIEW. Please, Please, Please, I really want to know if it was OK or really rubbish?


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